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The Devil Drives a Prado

Four-wheel drives have taken over the streets, the roadways and highways

But rarely are seen on the red-dirted byways.

They are mostly driven with aggravation

And inevitably lead to great irritation.

Hey you, you in ya la-de-da latte-coloured Range Rover Sport TDi V6

with al-paca leather up-holstery

With ya television in the back of the seat and your satellite navi-gator

What? You can’t follow the Refidex?

You can’t read a directional sign?

Drivin’ one-handed while talking on ya mobile phone?

Maybe it’s your financial adviser with news about your fully optioned, novated lease.

Aw, where’s the police?

Ssan Yong – Ssssa-ssan Yong – Ssan Yong

Hey you, you in your Jeep Grand Cherokee 4.7 litre V8 wagon with CB radio, power-windows and roof racks.

You - little dick man in your big-donk Daihatsu

With enough spotlights to melt the bitumen when you’re out cruisin’ the suburban backstreets.


Trying to look very im-portant as you strut on down the road,

Blowing aside the mini-minors, beep beep Astras and the vee-double Us

I notice you’ve got a two-way tailgate – is that in case ya lock ya-self in?

Come one, give us a grin!

Hey you, you in the Landcruiser Sa-hara with air-con-ditioning and keyless entry.

With raised seats so ya can see over the dashboard.

Old man’s young wife with bottle-blonde hair and preppy helmet hair-do.

How can ya hear your mobile ring-ring over the jingle jangle of all that bling-bling?

What do you use the nudge bar for – makin’ room in the super-market car park?

And those double air bags – are they the ones that’re on ya chest?

Ah, give us a rest!

Ssan Yong – Ssssa-Ssan Yong – Ssan Yong

And what about you, weaving across the lanes.

You in the Mitsubishi Pajero GLS LWB NK 3.5 Litre v6.

With the snorkel - and the towbar - and the side steps

and you, and ya mirrored sunnies and don’t-give-a toss Suzuki sneer.

Check your rear (if you can see past your fat behind and through the tinted windows)

There’s a cop car on the road, its lights are flashing blue

What a great sight, ’cos to our delight — its lights are flashing YOU.

As for me I own the road, it’s plain for all to see.

But that’s my right, my pride, my joy, my only place to be.

You might not agree but it’s OK by me and it’s certainly how I feels.

‘Cos I can flatten your RV with my big brute of a HumVee

Besides, it’s got alloy wheels!

© Ian McDougall November 2006

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